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Miscellany Bible Jokes


 
  Q: Where do you find rain gear in the Bible?
A: On the book of Goloshes. (Colossians).

Q: Who were the three shortest men in the Bible?
A: Bildad the shoe-height, Knee-high Miah, and the man who fell asleep On His Watch.

Q: Where did the murderer hide his weapon in the Bible?
A: In the Book of Axe. (Acts).

Q: How do you know when Enoch is at the door?
A: 'E knocks.

Q: What's the first Supreme Court case in the Bible?
A: Joshua Judges Ruth. (Joshua, Judges, Ruth).

If Students Wrote the Bible

Q. Why was the woman in the Bible turned into a pillar of salt?
A. Because she was dissatisfied with her lot.

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning cold.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five double-spaced and written in a large font.

New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.

The Children of Israel

Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?"
"Er - right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz allthe grown-ups doin?"

Biblical Songs

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

Elijah

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy."

Top 10 Sayings of Biblical Mothers

10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been!

9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!

8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!

7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! I told you never to play with fire!

6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!

5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!

4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes!

3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder!

2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!

And the number one biblical saying of mothers is:
1. Jesus! Stop working on that old wood and come in and eat! You'd spend your life on that wood, if your father asked ya to!

* * * *

Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A: Ruth-less.

Q: Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A: Nebuchadnezzar - he was on grass for seven years.

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson - he brought the house down.

Q What do they call pastors in Germany?
A German Shepherds.

Q: What was Daniel's nickname?
A: Lionheart!

Q: Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
A: He thought he saw a job.

Q: Who was the most successful physician in the Bible?
A: Job - He had the most patients.

Q: Why was Solomon the wisest man in the world?
A: Because he had so many wives to advise him.

A minister was talking to a children's Sunday School class about kindness to animals. He cited the Biblical references to substantiate his case.
"Now let's suppose," he said, "that you saw a bad person cutting off the tail of a cat. What Biblical quotation would you use to tell him of the terrible wrong he was doing?"
"I would point out to him," one of the class said, "what God hath joined together, let no man put asunder. (Mt. 19:6)"

Q: What did King James Bible say to King James?
A: I have more pages than you!

 
 




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Last updated: June 2013
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