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Tornadoes, Hurricanes and Weather Jokes


Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it.

- Mark Twain


Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows).
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights).
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials".
6. Family coming to stay with you.
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling.
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities.
3. Days off from work.
2. Candles.

1 And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas...At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!



1st Retiree: "Well, they finally arrested Hurricane Frances."
2nd Retiree: "What for?"
1st Retiree: "Littering."


Q: How did you find the weather on your vacation?
A: I just went outside and there it was.

Q: What is a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
A: Hail!

Q: What's the difference between a horse and the weather?
A: One is reined up and the other rains down.

Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Foul (fowl) weather.

Q: What do a tornado, a hurricane and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: In the end, someone is going to loose a house trailer.

Q: What is a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister!



What is the difference between a hurricane and a tornado?

.
Hurricanes
Tornadoes
Width More than 150 km Around 0.5 km
Location Tropical areas, 8° and 15° north and south of the equator
.
Most parts of the world, but they are most frequent over the continental plains of the USA.
Build Up Develop over warm seas – more than 27° C. Develop over land and sea (they are known as water spouts over the sea).
Center of storm Eye, 30-50 km across Spinning Funnel, 0.5 km across
Duration days minutes
Rating Saffir-Simpson scale Fujita Scale
Wind Speed The eye is an area with light winds and no rain. Around the ‘eye’ winds speeds reach 120-300 kph. Travels at speeds of 32 to 72 kph., spinning winds 113-500 kph
.
Travel speed Some move fast. Some creep along. Travels at speeds of 32 to 72 kph.
Activity area 320 to 800 km across. Average path lengths are 42 km and widths 400 m with the largest exceeding almost 2 km.
Which is more dangerous, a hurricane or a tornado?

Deciding whether a tornado or a hurricane is more dangerous is difficult. They are both very powerful, but hurricanes are much bigger and so they do far more damage. So a hurricane can be worse than a tornado.




Moojita Scale

Everybody knows about the Fujita Scale which measures the power of tornados. But nobody really knows what all those types of twisters do to COWS. So here is the MOOJITA Scale...

M0 Tornado - Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed.
M1 Tornado - Cows are tipped over and can't get up.
M2 Tornado - Cows begin rolling with the wind.
M3 Tornado - Cows tumble and bounce.
M4 Tornado - Cows are AIRBORN.
M5 Tornado - S T E A K ! ! !



Love Affair

What did the tornado say to the other tornado?
You turn me on.

What did the thermometer say to the other thermometer?
You make my temperature rise.

What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?
I have my eye on you.

What did the lightning bolt say to the other lightning bolt?
You're shocking.

What did one tornado say to the other?
Let's twist again, like we did last summer....


President Bush toured parts of Missouri that were devastated by a recent tornado. There was one awkward moment, when the President looked at the tornado damage and said, 'Don't worry, we're going to get whoever did this.'"


School Time
Funny Real Exam Answers

Water vapour gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

Don't knock the weather; nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in awhile!

Probably the last completely accurate forecast was when God told Noah there was a 100 percent chance of precipitation.

If you see a heat wave, should you wave back?

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

And now, for your extended forecast: "Foooorrrcaaaasssstt"

What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis!

Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get!



Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hurricane.
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you run away from the storm?

Why did the man use ketchup in the rain?
Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.


Hurricane Statistics
Pay attention: Hurricanes are known as ‘typhoons’ in the western Pacific, ‘cyclones’ in the Indian Ocean, ‘baguios’ in the Philippines and willy-willies in Australia. Click Here to learn about hurricane names.
Highest Storm Surge (sea waves swell) Bathurst Bay Hurricane, Australia, 1899. It was 13 meters (42 feet)!
Deadliest Bangladesh Cyclone of 1970. It killed 300,000 people.
The deadliest hurricane in the United States struck Galveston, Texas, in 1900. A storm surge almost two stories high broke over the city, causing 20-foot (6.1-meter) floods and more than 8,000 deaths
Largest Rainfalls Tropical Cyclone Denise, January 1966, 12 hours, 1144 millimeters - La Reunion Island in the Indian Ocean off the east coast of Africa.
Costliest Hurricane Hurricane Andrew in 1992. The damage was estimated at $25 billion in parts of Florida, Louisiana, and Georgia.
Longest Lasting Tropical Cyclone Typhoon John, August-September, 1994, lasted 31 days. Traveled both the Northeast and Northwest Pacific basins.
Largest Tropical Cyclone Typhoon Tip Northwest Pacific, October, 1979, gale radius 1100 km..
Fastest Intensification Typhoon Forrest - deepened 100 millibars (976 to 876) in under 24 hours. In one day winds increased from 120 kph to 277 kph.


The Weather in Seattle and Phoenix

What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle? A weekend.

It only rains twice a year in Seattle: August through April and May through July.

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle? An extra hour of rain.

What's the definition of a Seattle optimist? A guy with a sun visor on his rain hat.

How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt Rainier, it's going to rain. If not, it already is.

A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. He gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. He goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and asks out of despair, "Hey kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid says, "How do I know? I'm only 6."

Why Phoenix summers are sot HOT . . .

... We go to McDonalds to get coffee and pour it on our laps - just to cool off!

... The farmers must feed their cows ice cubes, so they don't give powdered milk.

... The farmers feed their chickens ice chips, so they don't lay hard boiled eggs.

... They don't bother making thermometers that go below 70 degrees.



Nate: "Hey, what's the weather like out there?"
Kate: "I don't know. I'll tell you when it clears."

First cave man to second cave man: "I don't care what you say. We never had such unusual weather before they started using bows and arrows."

An honest weatherman says, "Today's forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I'm wrong."

The U.S. has only three hurricane warning centers - Coral Gables, FL, Guam, and Honolulu, HI (recently completed). All three have faced Category 4 hurricanes in the past month. Which only goes to show: If you build it, they will come!

Q: What is a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister!

Q: How do hurricane's see?
A: With one eye.

Q: What are hurricanes with a central dense overcast over the eye called?
A: Hurricanes with cataracts.

Q: If humankind ever ventures to land on the sun, when should they do it?
A: At night.

Q: What type of lightning likes to play sports?
A: Ball lightning.

Q: Why did the weather want privacy?
A: It was changing.

Q: What cloud is so lazy because it will not get up?
A: Fog.

Q: Why don't meteorologists like to dine out on the moon?
A: The moon has no atmosphere.

Q: What type of sense of humor does a dust storm have?
A: A very dry sense of humor.

"I can't believe it," said the tourist. "I've been here an entire week and it's done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?"
"Well, that's hard to say," replied the local. "Last year, it was on a Wednesday."
Why did it rain money during the tornado? Because there was a "change" in the weather.



Robert Fitzroy

1805 - 1865
British Naval Officer, Hydrographer, Colonial Governor, Meteorologist
The captain of the HMS Beagle which sailed around the world with Charles Darwin aboard as naturalist.

In 1854 FitzRoy became the head of the British Meteorological Department where he was a pioneer of weather forecasting. He also pioneered the printing of a daily weather forecast in newspapers. FitzRoy virtually invented the term 'forecasting' and did much to initiate the wide-ranging processes of a weather bureau, to the great benefit of those on land and sea alike. He devised a storm warning system that was the prototype of the daily weather forecast. He invented a cheap and serviceable barometer, named after him. He was undoubtedly overtaxed physically and mentally (his staff numbered but three), and during severe mental depression took his own life on 30 April 1865 at Lyndhurst House, Upper Norwood, Surrey, England.

Learn more about Robert Fitzroy - life and work.



What did the Hurricane Say...

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
- Hang onto your leaves, this will be no oordinary breeze.

What did the lightning bolt say to the old oak tree?
- Hang onto your bark, this will be no orddinary spark.

What did the hail storm say to the roof?
- Hang onto your shingles, this will be noo ordinary sprinkles.

What did the evaporating raindrop say?
- I'm going to pieces.

What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
- My plop is bigger than your plop.


Tornado Statistics
Deadliest U.S. tornado The "Tri-state" tornado of 18 March 1925 killed 695 people as it raced along at 60-73 mph in a 219 mile long track across parts of Missouri, Illinois and Indiana, producing F5 damage.
Biggest outbreak 147 tornadoes touched down in 13 U.S. states on 3 and 4 April, 1974.
Biggest It was in the high plains of the Texas Panhandle near Gruver on 9 June 1971. At times, the tornado was over 2 miles wide, with an average width of about 2500 yards. This is probably close to the maximum size for tornadoes; but it is possible that larger, unrecorded ones have occurred.
Strongest Nobody knows. Tornado wind speeds have only been directly recorded in the weaker ones, because strong and violent tornadoes destroy weather instruments. Mobile Doppler radars on wheels have remotely sensed tornado wind speeds above ground level as high as 318 mph (512 kph) on 3 May 1999 near Bridge Creek OK- the highest winds ever found near earth's surface by any means. That tornado caused F5 damage. But ground-level wind speeds in the most violent tornadoes have never been directly measured.
Costliest The Tornado of Bridge Creek, Oklahoma of 3 May 1999 ranks as the most destructive tornado in history with over $1 billion in damage This made 3 May 1999 the costliest tornado day on record as well.


More School Time
More Funny Real Exam Answers

"Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing."

"Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime."

"While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating."

"In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O."

"Rain is saved up in cloud banks."

"Thunder is a rich source of loudness."

"Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound."

"We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on."

"Clouds are highflying fogs."

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.



Who are the Storm Chasers and Hunters
Storm chasers are people who try to get close to storms for the purposes of observation or science. A couple of chasers have been chasing storms since the 1940s and 1950s, an amazing feat when you consider how little data was available for them to figure out where the storms were. Now, many - but not all - storm chasers travel with laptop computers, anemometers (for measuring wind), portable weather stations and other equipment, as well as a variety of video and still cameras. It's hard to say how many chasers there are, but there are probably a few hundred serious ones. The excellent Storm Track FAQ on chasing estimates anywhere from 100 to a thousand.


Words...Words...Words

Q: What does NMG stand for?
A: No Good Model.

Q: What does NOAA stand for?
A: Nitrogen, Oxygen And Argon.

Q: What does AVN stand for?
A: Accuracy Vanishing Now.

Q: What does ETA stand for?
A: Every Time Aweful.

Q: What did the ETA model say to the NGM model?
A: I'm prettier than you.

NMG, AVN and ETA are computer weather prediction models run twice daily in Washington, DC and used by meteorologists to forecast the weather.



How to Fight Hurricanes
Suggestions collected from all over the Web

Building large fans on the coast to blow away approaching storms.

Coating the surface of the water with olive oil in order to prevent evaporation.

Towing an iceberg down to Florida to cool down the water temperature in order to prevent evaporation.

Pray them away.

Use of a nuclear warhead to blow a hurricane out of the water.

Flying a Boeing 747 into the monster storm, where it would hit it with tons of super absorbent powder, literally sucking it dry and breaking it apart.

Call the movers.

Learn More about the Subject



More Weather Jokes and Anecdotes

Don't knock the weather; nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in awhile!
I HAD just moved north and was feeling apprehensive about the severity of the winters in my new home. My anxious queries about the weather brought this reply from a native: "Ma'am, we have four seasons here - early winter, midwinter, late winter and next winter."


Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor.
A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor. The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.
"It was the most amazing thing ... it was the most amazing thing." she kept repeating dazedly
"What was the most amazing thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.
"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and dog-gone-it if the whole house didn't suddenly drain away.


Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink on the way home from a long day in the studio?
The nearest ISOBAR!


Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."


The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"


If you are standing in the main street of Amsterdam, and can't see the clock tower of the Central Railway Station, that means it is raining. If you can see the clock tower, that means it is about to rain.


Natural Laws:
I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.
One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.
As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where.)
"Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared.
"You know, I always wondered about that," he said


A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow, rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow, storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.
However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally, the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio broke."





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