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New Science Jokes

What do you call it when a baker tests a new pie recipe that he wants to see if it will work or not?
A pie-pothesis!

What did the friars living with Gregory Mendel say at dinner?
"What, peas again?"

Allegedly at the "Manhattan Project" where the first nuclear reactor was built, security was very tight and the workers were told not to tell their families what they were doing. During a security check the families were asked if they knew what their working parent did at work. One young lad replied that his father worked in a place that made light bulbs and toilet paper. When asked how he knew, he replied that his father brought a roll of toilet paper and a light bulb home every day in his lunch box.

When a certain nuclear physicist went on holidays he hung a sign on his laboratory door which read: "Gone Nuclear Fission."

i to π: Be rational.
π to i: Get real.

A guy goes into a bar and asks ''can I have a pint of energy please?''
The barman pulls the pint and says ''that'll be 80p please'' (80p read ATP)

This sign was hung up in a physics / electricity room
"Hangin' With My Ohmies"

All the physicists are playing hide and seek. Einstein is the ‘den’ and stands against the wall with his eyes closed and counts till 100 to enable all the physicists to run and hide. At the count of 100 Einstein turns around and finds Newton standing there.
He screams, “Newton, you are out!” Newton says, “No, I ‘m not!”
Einstein says, “Yes, you are. I can see you here in front of me”.
Newton says, “I’m not out. Pascal is.”
Einstein is a bit confused and starts to scratch his head and beard.
Newton says “Here, Let me explain”
He draws a square one meter by one meter on the floor and stands in the middle of it and says,
“Newton per meter square is a Pascal, so it’s Pascal who’s out not me”

"If there was no such thing as Night the Sun would have run out twice as fast."

When was Heisenberg born?
Oh, that's very uncertain.

Let’s Speak Chemistry!

  • "I think your website is beryllium!" (read as brilliant)

  • "That's a pro-phosphorous idea!" (read as preposterous)

  • "I can't be arsenic-ed!" (read as arsed)

  • "This is so boron!" (read as boring)

  • "Pick it up off the fluor-ine!" (read as floor)

  • "Lith-ium alone!" (read as leave him)

  • "This is a-bismuth!" (read as abysmal)

  • "I've got a bad gold" (read as cold)

  • "Is she Indium?" (read as Indian)

  • "Did he have a car-bon?" (read as car bomb)

  • "Pass the lattice" (read as lettuce)

  • "Would you like a polo-nium t?" (read as polo mint)

  • "Can you iron my shirt please?" (read as iron)

  • "I can't bar-ium" (read as bare him)

  • "Can they cur-ium?" (read as cure him)

  • "Caes-ium!" (read as caese him)

  • "That was so-dium good" (read as so damn)

  • “How many have we done sul-phur?” (read as so far)

  • "Keep your i-on the ball" (read as eye on)

  • "A friend of mine pierced his tung-sten" (read as tongue)

  • "A-cid that one" (read as I said)

  • "A-mine the other one" (read as I mean)

  • "You're too easily lead" (read as lead)

  • Julian: "My trousers keep falling down!"

  • Nick: "This man-ga-nese a belt!" (read as man needs)

  • Nick: "We need to get so many things for our cat"

  • Julian: "I don't think we'll be able to remember them all"

  • Nick: "Well then we will have to make the cat-a-lyst!"

  • ”I zinc we are done because all the other jokes ar-gon!”

  • This is how I remeber X and Y axses:
    X goes to the sky and Y tries to Fly!!!

    By Ashley, "from my Math Class....."
    "Your acute angle"

    The emperor's horse is about to participate in the international race in three months. The emperor summons his best nutritionist, best trainer, and best mathematician, and orders them to prepare the horse for the race. A week before the race, the emperor demands a report on their progress.
    The nutritionist says, "I have fed it the most excellent mixture of herbs and cereals, it will give it speed and courage."
    The trainer says, "I trained it to skip any obstacle, and take turns without slowing down."
    The mathematician says, "I solved the case of a 2-dimensional horse."

    What did the friars living with Gregory Mendel say at dinner?
    "What, peas again?"

    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Hurricane who?
    Hurry! Cane you run away from the storm?

    Why did the man use ketchup in the rain?
    Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.

    Quantum Reality

    When we start peering deep inside the tiniest of things,
    Far beyond what human eyes are capable of seeing,
    The sub-atomic world defies the laws of entropy,
    And particles begin to act with more uncertainty,
    If we measure ones velocity, position, or its mass,
    It causes other magnitudes to become less exact,
    A photon for example may just simply disappear,
    The act of observation makes its outcome more unclear,
    A particle of light can also double as a wave,
    A duality that's sure to leave you scratching at your brain,
    It comes down to this,- of the view we once had,
    What wasn't now is, what is will soon pass,
    Physics and light-speed, black holes and time,
    All of these seem to be intertwined,
    Like the fabric of space bent around a large mass,
    The gravity of this can be hard to grasp,
    It will make you go mad, then beg for some more,
    That's what all those crazy equations are for,
    Will we ever find a theory of all?
    One that unites the large with the small,
    Or will it continue to boggle our minds?
    Forever entangled between space and time.

    In math you don't understand things, you just get used to them!

    What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mouse?
    Elephant x Mouse Sine Theta

    The Grand old Duke of York,
    He had ten thousand men,
    He marched them up to the top of hill,
    And he marched them down again.
    When they were up they were up,
    When they were down they were down.
    When they were only half way up,
    They were simultaneously up and down,
    They were merely obeying the laws of quantum mechanics.

    "Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it."

    – Robert A. Heinlein

    Q: What is one byte?
    A: Eight beets.

    True story:
    A student walked into his discreet math class late and in order not to interrupt he put his late slip on the teacher's desk furtively without the teacher noticing. The teacher noticed the slip on his desk afterwards. He commented "I see you put this slip on my desk without me noticing. I guess that's why they call this class discrete mathematics."

    1st Retiree: "Well, they finally arrested Hurricane Frances."
    2nd Retiree: "What for?"
    1st Retiree: "Littering."

    In class when students say to me, "Are you Serious?"
    My reply is: " the brightest star in the night-time sky, I am Sirius!"

    A mushroom walked into a bar. The bar tender said, "Get out of here! We don't serve your kind."
    "Hey, what's the problem?"
    "Just get out of here. We don't serve mushrooms."
    The mushroom in anguish says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy."

    Q: Can you guess the name of a first year natural science college student who scored one "C" and 4 "F"s in five courses?

    A: Carbon Tetrafluoride.

    A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
    "Aha", says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."
    "Hmm", says the physician, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black".
    "No", says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"

    My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always, he was right.

    Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

    The great logician Betrand Russell once claimed that he could prove anything if given that 1 + 1 = 1.
    So one day, some smartypants asked him, "Ok. Prove that you're the Pope."
    He thought for a while and proclaimed, "I am one. The Pope is one. Therefore, the Pope and I are one."

    Q : Did you hear about the murderous mathematician?
    A : He went on a killing spree with a pair of axis!

    Teacher: What is the formula for water?
    Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
    Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
    Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.

    Here's one about Heisenberg: You've perhaps seen or heard of old inns that have plaques on the wall of a room saying, for example: "George Washington slept here." Well,

    There's apparently an inn in Germany with their own plaque. It says: "Heisenberg may have slept here."

    A frontiersman went into an Indian village to purchase a wife.
    The chief showed him three young women. The first was seated on a deer skin and could be purchased for the sum of five ponies. The second was seated on a buffalo skin and could also be purchased for five ponies. The third young woman was seated on a hippopotamus skin and could be purchased for ten ponies.
    "Why does this one cost so much more?" asked the man.
    "You know," replied chief Pythagoras, "the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides."

    There are three types of mathematicians: those who can add and those who can't.

    There are 10 kinds of people in the world..... Those who understand Binary, and those who don't.

    π Limerick

    If within a circle is a line
    that goes through the center to each spine
    and the line's length is D
    the circumference will be
    D times 3.14159

    My Dog Kelly

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    Last updated: June 2013
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