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The Albert Einstein Experience
Jokes, Relativity and Black Holes

Two hairs in my cup of milk is too much.
Two hairs on my head is too less.
What Is Relativity?

I wrote and submitted the following for the a limerick contest (Omni Magazine, 1979), however as far as I know it has never been published:

A black hole - a tremendous creation
Its physics defies imagination
Time and space it can bend
Wow! I can't comprehend
The gravity of this situation

What Is a Black Hole, Really?

A black hole is a celestial object of such extremely intense gravity that it attracts everything near it and prevents everything, including light, from escaping. The term was first used in reference to a star in the last phases of gravitational collapse.

Gravitational collapse begins when a star has depleted its steady sources of nuclear energy and can no longer produce the expansive force, a result of normal gas pressure, that supports the star against the compressive force of its own gravitation. In some cases, nothing remains to prevent the star from collapsing without limit to an indefinitely small size and infinitely large density, to create a black hole.

At this point the effects of Einstein's general theory of relativity become paramount. According to this theory, space becomes curved in the vicinity of matter (this is the meaning of gravity); the greater the concentration of matter, the greater the curvature (the greater the gravity). When the star shrinks below a certain size determined by its mass, the extreme curvature of space seals off contact with the outside world. The place beyond which no radiation can escape even not light.

It is now believed that the origin of some black holes is nonstellar. Some astrophysicists suggest that immense volumes of interstellar matter can collect and collapse into supermassive black holes, such as are found at the center of some galaxies.

Because light and other forms of energy and matter are permanently trapped inside a black hole, it can never be observed directly. However, a black hole could be detected by the effect of its gravitational field on nearby objects (e.g., if it is orbited by a visible star), during the collapse while it was forming, or by the X rays and radio frequency signals emitted by rapidly swirling matter being pulled into the black hole. A small number of possible black holes have been detected, although none of the discoveries has been conclusive.

Learn More about Black Holes

A pupil of Einstein said:
It's rotten
To find I'd completely forgotten
That by living so fast,
All my future's my past,
And I buried before I'm begotten.

$10,000 reward.
Schroedinger's Cat.
Dead or Alive


Schroedinger, you should not have done that
That "playing God" with a cat,
Which, by the way, mister
Belonged to your sister
The next time please make it a rat.

Said Schroedinger "poison is nifty
To dispose of this cat, God is thrifty
We can't tell if it died
Till we all peer inside
And the odds are at just that, 50/50."

The cat in the box still has growth
Or it's dead, and infested with sloth
One should not get unnerved
Till the cat is observed
It's a superposition of both.

So that is the way that you tell it
Leave a cat in a box with a pellet
Should the trigger let go
The poison will flow
And you'll know the cat's dead when you smell it.

Said Schroedinger, "let Physics advance
Though it might be kitty's last dance
When we open the box
Be prepared for some shocks
But there's only a 50% chance."

Said Schroedinger, "let's take a chance
Though it might be kitty's last dance."
"The poor cat," he then joked
"is alive, or it's croaked"
But you can't know these things in advance.

Said Schroedinger," isn't this fun"
Shot a cat in a box with a gun
I'll be sure it survives
'Cause the cat has nine lives
And I'll only be using just one."

Albert Einstein had been working on his theory of relativity a lot and he was just about finished. He was almost ready to publish his work. However, he was under a lot of stress so he thought he would go on vacation to Mexico.
Albert had a glorious two-week vacation and was having the time of his life. On the last night he was staying there, he decided to take a walk along the beach and watch the sunset.
As he watched the sun go down, he thought of the light of the sun and then the speed of light. You see, he had been using the speed of light in a lot of his calculations but he didn't decided on what symbol to use for it. Greek had been so overused.
Just at that moment, Senior Wensez was also walking along the beach in the opposite direction. Albert caught him out of the corner of his eye and remarked suddenly, "Do you not zink zat zee speed of light is very fast?"
Senior Wensez paused for a moment and replied, "Si."

Why is c the symbol for the speed of light?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

– Albert Einstein

The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat.

– Albert Einstein

Einstein when asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!

Q: How does Einstein begin a story?
A: Once upon a space-time...

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

– Albert Einstein

Quantum Reality

When we start peering deep inside the tiniest of things,
Far beyond what human eyes are capable of seeing,
The sub-atomic world defies the laws of entropy,
And particles begin to act with more uncertainty,
If we measure ones velocity, position, or its mass,
It causes other magnitudes to become less exact,
A photon for example may just simply disappear,
The act of observation makes its outcome more unclear,
A particle of light can also double as a wave,
A duality that's sure to leave you scratching at your brain,
It comes down to this,- of the view we once had,
What wasn't now is, what is will soon pass,
Physics and light-speed, black holes and time,
All of these seem to be intertwined,
Like the fabric of space bent around a large mass,
The gravity of this can be hard to grasp,
It will make you go mad, then beg for some more,
That's what all those crazy equations are for,
Will we ever find a theory of all?
One that unites the large with the small,
Or will it continue to boggle our minds?
Forever entangled between space and time.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.

– Albert Einstein

Is There Really a Twin Paradox?

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

– Albert Einstein

I never thought that others would take them so much more seriously than I did.

– Albert Einstein about his theories

What are Einstein's theories all about?

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

– Albert Einstein

I tried to imagine the easiest way God could have done it.

– Albert Einstein

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

– Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein, who fancied himself as a violinist, was rehearsing a Haydn string quartet. When he failed for the fourth time to get his entry in the second movement, the cellist looked up and said, "The problem with you, Albert, is that you simply can't count."

Albert Einstein Memorial Statue

The memorial to Albert Einstein is situated in the National Academy of Sciences grounds, Washington, DC. The bronze figure, weighing approximately 4 tons, is 12 feet in height. Three caissons, totaling 135 tons, sunk in bedrock to a depth of 23 to 25 feet, support the monument.

In its left hand, the figure holds a paper with mathematical equations summarizing three of Einstein's most important scientific contributions: the photoelectric effect, the theory of general relativity, and the equivalence of energy and matter.

Einstein once said that it would be hard to teach in a co-ed college since guys were only looking on girls and not listening to the teacher. He was objected that they would be listening to him very attentively, forgetting about any girls. But such guys won't be worth teaching, - replied the great man.

In the period that Einstein was active as a professor, one of his students came to him and said: "The questions of this year's exam are the same as last years!" "True," Einstein said, "but this year all answers are different."

Einstein the Student

It would be interesting to know what kind of student Einstein was.
In 1895 – at the age of sixteen - he took the entrance examination for the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology, and failed. He was advised to study at a Swiss school in Aarau; here his teachers were humane and his ideas were set free. His thoughts turned to the theory of electromagnetism formulated by James Clerk Maxwell, seldom taught even in universities at the turn of the century. Here Einstein, an outstanding student, obtained the best school-leaving certificate in his class.

To see Einstein's school leaving certificate click here.

Marilyn Monroe suggests to Einstein: What do you say, professor, shouldn't we marry and have a little baby together: what a baby it would be - my looks and your intelligence!
Einstein: I'm afraid, dear lady, it might be the other way around...

The story is that Albert Einstein's driver used to sit at the back of the hall during each of his lectures, and after a period of time, remarked to Einstein that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it several times.
So, at the next stop on the tour, Einstein and the driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back, in driver's uniform.
The driver gave the lecture, flawlessly. At the end, a member of the audience asked a detailed question about some of the subject matter, upon which the lecturer replied, 'well, the answer to that question is quite simple, I bet that my driver, sitting up at the back, there, could answer it...'

Before they immigrated to the US, the Einsteins endured the severe economic situation in post WWI Germany. Mrs. E. saved old letters and other scrap paper for Albert to write on and so continue his work.
Years later, Mrs. Einstein was pressed into a public relations tour of some science research center. Dutifully she plodded through lab after lab filled with gleaming new scientific napery, the American scientists explaining things to her in that peculiarly condescending way we all treat non-native speakers of our own language.
Finally she was ushered into a high-chambered observatory, and came face to face with another, larger, scientific contraption. "Well, what's this one for?" she muttered.
"Mrs. Einstein, we use this equipment to probe the deepest secrets of the universe," cooed the chief scientist.
"Is THAT all!" snorted Mrs. E. "My husband did that on the back of old envelopes!"

"Genius is one per cent inspiration, ninety-nine per cent perspiration."

– Thomas Alva Edison (said c. 1903, written in Harper's Monthly Magazine, September 1932)

Was Einstein really so smart?

Einstein's second greatest contribution - he said that when he was cooking soup and also wanted a soft-boiled egg he would add the egg to the soup and thereby have one less pot to wash...

What's the difference between an auto mechanic and a quantum mechanic?
The quantum mechanic can get the car inside the garage without opening the door.

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

A rocket explorer named Wright
Once traveled much faster than light.
He sat out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

Erwin Schrφdinger: The chicken crossed the road and didn't cross the road simultaneously.

From way down in my cranium
This prediction I will make:
That if you eat uranium,
You'll get atomic ache.

Why the Sky Is Blue
by John Ciardi

I don't suppose you happen to know
Why the sky is blue? It's because the snow
Takes out the white. That leaves it clean
For the trees and grass to take out the green.
Then pears and bananas start to mellow,
And bit by bit they take out the yellow.
The sunsets, of course, take out the red
And pour it into the ocean bed
Or behind the mountains in the west.
You take all that out and the rest
Couldn't be anything else but blue.
Look for yourself. You can see it's true.

Why the sky is blue.

Q: What did the Nuclear Physicist have for lunch?
A: Fission Chips.

The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC.
SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator

Anything that doesn't matter has no mass.

Q: Does light have mass?
A: Of course not. It's not even Catholic!!!

Formula: "Energy equals milk chocolate squared"
1955 Guy-Charles Revol
French Mint Commemorates the 50th anniversary of Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity.

Radioactivity - it's as easy as alpha, beta, gamma...

The speed of time is one second per second.

Is one second really one second?

Philosophers have long wondered why socks have this habit of getting lost, and why humans always end up with large collections of unmatched odd socks. One school of thought says that socks are very antisocial creatures, and have a deep sense of rivalry. In particular, two socks of the same design have feelings of loathing towards each other and hence it is nearly impossible to pair them (e.g. a blue sock will usually be found nestling up to a black one, rather than its fellow blue sock)

On the other hand, quantum theorists explain it all by a generalized exclusion principle - it is impossible for two socks to be in the same state, and when it is in danger of happening, one of the socks has to vanish. Indeed the Uncertainty Principle also comes in - the only time you know where a sock is, is when you are wearing it, and hence unable to be sure exactly how fast it is moving. The moment you stop moving and look at your sock, it then starts falling to pieces, changing color, or otherwise becoming indeterminate.

Either way, socks may possess Color and Strangeness, but they seem to lack Charm.

Now that you are an expert on Einstein you are ready to take the Einstein quiz

Einstein Links

Albert Einstein Humor and Quotes

Jokes on Albert Einstein - Twilight Bridge
Albert Einstein Quotes - S.F.Heart
Albert Einstein Quotes - The Quotations Page

Albert Einstein for Kids

Way to Go, Einstein! - Ology
Think Like Einstein - NOVA
Einstein Revealed - NOVA
A Science Odyssey: That's My Theory: Einstein
Albert Einstein Archives - Einstein for Kids
Albert Einstein for Kids
Relativty - Nobel e-Museum
Still Right after all these Years... - TheWhyFiles


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Last updated: June 2013
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