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Psychology Jokes and Sigmund Freud

Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.

A psychotic thinks that two and two are five.
A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it.

What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."

Once I had multiple personalities, but now we are feeling well.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The best thing about being schizophrenic is that I'm never alone.
Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you!
Hypochondria is the only illness that I don't have.

Sigmund Freud 1856–1939
The originator of the psychoanalysis therapeutic theory

Freud was an Austrian psychiatrist, born in Moravia, lived most of his life in Vienna, and received his medical degree from the University of Vienna in 1881.
Freud is mainly associated with psychoanalysis, a name given by him to a system of interpretation and therapeutic treatment of psychological disorders. Psychoanalysis began after Freud studied (1885–86) with the French neurologist J. M. Charcot in Paris and became convinced that hysteria was caused not by organic symptoms in the nervous system but by emotional disturbance. Later, in collaboration with Viennese physician Josef Breuer, Freud wrote two papers on hysteria (1893, 1895) that were the precursors of his vast body of psychoanalytic theory. Freud used his psychoanalytic method primarily to treat clients suffering from a variety of mild mental disorders or neuroses. He devised a therapeutic technique called free association, which would allow emotionally charged material that the individual had repressed in the unconscious to emerge to conscious recognition.
Freud was joined by an increasing number of students and physicians, among whom were C. G. Jung and Alfred Adler. Both made significant contributions, but by 1913 ceased to be identified with the main body of psychoanalysts because of theoretical disagreements with Freud's strong emphasis on sexual motivation.

Learn More about Freud and Psychoanalysis

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "No I Didn't!"

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!
Pull yourself together, man!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.

Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?!

Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?

Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.

Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive.
Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm...

Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!
And how long have you had this complaint?
What complaint?

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket.
You do look a little pail.

Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute please.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.
Don't answer!

What is a Freudian Slip

A Freudian slip, or parapraxis, is an error in speech, memory, or physical action that is believed to be caused by the unconscious mind.

Some errors, such as a man accidentally calling his wife by the name of another woman, seem to represent relatively clear cases of Freudian slips. In other cases, the error might appear to be trivial or bizarre, but may show some deeper meaning on analysis. As a common pun goes, "A Freudian slip is like saying one thing, but meaning your mother." A Freudian slip is not limited to a slip of the tongue, or to sexual desires. It can extend to our word perception where we might read a word incorrectly because of our fixations. It is important to note that these slips are semi-conscious. This is to say that these thoughts are consciously repressed and then unconsciously released. This is unlike true Freudian repression, which is the unconscious act of making something unconscious.
Learn More about Freudian Slips

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a bridge.
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a cat.
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
Just one, but it takes nine visits.

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
"How many do you think it takes?"

A man goes to see his psychiatrist. He says, "Doctor, I've been having suicidal tendencies. What should I do?"
The psychiatrist replies, "Pay your bill today."

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."

Freud's patients would lie on this couch during psychoanalysis

What is Psychoanalysis

The Oxford English Dictionary (OED) defines Psychoanalysis as “A therapeutic method, originated by Sigmund Freud, for treating mental disorders by investigating the interaction of conscious and unconscious elements in the patient's mind and bringing repressed fears and conflicts into the conscious mind, using techniques such as dream interpretation and free association”. The OED also provides a secondary definition of “a system of psychological theory associated with this method."

In the past 70 years or so, infant and child research, and new discoveries in adults have led to further modification of theory.

Learn More about Freud and Psychoanalysis

A psychologist returned from a conference in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permitted to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it went?". She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"Ok, he's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"

Psychology of Marketing

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company.
The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.
To show just how the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for this year's softball season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."

Hello, welcome to the psychiatric hotline:
If you are obsessive-compulsive; please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4, and 5
If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him I wanted a second opinion. He told me, "OK, you're ugly, too."

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office and said, "Doc, ya gotta help me. Everywhere I go, people ignore me."
Psychiatrist: "Next!"

Two mental patients were hanging from an apple tree when one suddenly fell to the ground. The other yelled down, "What's the matter? Are you tired?" From below came back, "No, ripe!"

My Dog Kelly

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Last updated: June 2013
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